to be needed. i will work..

《流星的前奏 - 第一部》

2007-10-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

除了自己以外，还有为他人着想过吗？

这是。。《阿丑的故事》，叫作《流星的前奏》

阿丑天生就丑陋无比。可怜的母亲被强奸犯侵略后，在辅导人员的说服下把阿丑接生了下来。没料到，被强奸后，九个月长的地狱般煎熬生下来的孩子竟然是个丑八怪。这不是玩笑，母亲看到阿丑后瞬间过世了。

因为亲戚们都把他当扫把囟看待，因此阿丑从小就住在孤儿院。那儿的孩子们看到他都异口同声地喊叫“Monster 来喽！Monster 来喽！”，甚至会在阿丑身上吐口水。

每一晚，孤儿院的管理员阿姨们都会到各孩子们的床边，体贴地为可爱的儿童们盖好被子，亲亲他们的额头。渴望爱情的阿丑看到阿姨走入共用睡房时，都会刻意把被子拉下，充满希望地等着阿姨的关怀与温暖。

。。。在冷得刺骨的晚上，。。等着等着，不知不觉就入睡了。

结果。。阿丑每天早上都会发现满脸颊都是被晒干的眼泪，而被子始终都没被拉上。

你。。能体会阿丑的痛苦吗？。。

身为孩子。。阿丑在开始的时候，不惊常会在人们的残忍中流下泪水。当连哭泣时都没人理会，阿丑心里如被千万火箭贯穿。

老早已被打败的心灵还不断地被公害，产生出来的就是万想不到，不堪设想的变态后果。变态？抱歉。。我一点都没在夸张。。

在阿丑6岁那年。。只是个简单的上茅厕方便，有几位孤儿看到了，幼稚地大喊：“Monster在大便哦！臭死人了啦！很恶心嘞！”

正在大便的阿丑不知所措，无处可逃，可躲，在厕房里面对着非寻常的极度害怕与着急。

忽然，听见一道大人的声音：“喂！你们在吵什么啊？”

阿丑错乱的心在这救命恩人的到来感到无限安心。。

“阿姨！你闻！Monster的大便很恶心hor！”

阿丑在脑海里呐喊。。
“叫他们走叫他们走叫他们走叫他们走！！！！！！”

“臭死了啦！你们给我快点出去！你们不走我可要先走了！臭死人了！”

清脆的玻璃破声，阿丑心灵的忍耐程度，在极限中的极限里超载，暴力地把自己小小的头往装满自己尿屎的马桶里塞，一心想把“恶心”的自己在尿屎淹死。

什么Monster啊，恶心啊，臭，可能您会觉得并不是太过分的骂词，但您能够了解阿丑的痛吗？。。

此故事下次再续。。。。。

wohoho

2007-10-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

wohooho.. finally got my first month IP pay.. 450.. 说少不少 la.. won't complain.

at first thought that i wanted to save most of it.. but i bought a new guitar yesterday!

previous one spoilt le.. very sad. the guitar is older than me leh. and chao chao is Yamaha lor.. got some pros praise that my guit sound is super seasoned.. (20 over years of course seasoned la..!) ( ~ . ~ )

so almost 5 months never touch guitar le. which also means me and dear dear never play guit and sing sing together le. Therefore.. must say the money is extremely well spent. and damn happy la, me and dear dear in her grandparent's place then sing song and her siblings and cousin listen. nice nice, had a wonderful time.

and one of the best part, dear dear helped pay S$150 for the guitar! so its our guit la actually, not just mine.

seriously.. this kind of gf where to find. im freaking hell the luckiest guy in the world la.

somemore we buy the guitar le dear keep telling me

"sorry dear, i wanted to pay more but i need the money to pay for my business"

then have to keep telling her crazy.. she pay 150 is super a lot le la! so silly la this dear dear.. she shouldnt even be paying a single cent for me la!

im so blessed la.. love my dear dear loads..gotta work harder so i can re-pay my dear for the so much she is doing for me.. yup. must must..

i love u dear :]

要走的总是会走

2007-10-08T01:04:00.000-07:00

it always hurts me when my girlfriend goes out with guys or butches(those..)

maybe im just a fucking SNAG.

maybe im just made of jelly on the inside.

or maybe im simply NORMAL.

I guess there's nothing too abnormal about being concerned that our partners might leave us.

it'll also hurt (maybe even more) that they might be fooling around outside while you are still sacrificing because you love him/her and still working hard to keep the relationship alive

but I'll from now on, always made it a point to not stop my partner from doing the things she wants.

she wanna meet up with some new found hooligan guy friends, GO

she wanna go to her ex's private apartment, GO.

she wanna whatever, GO.

just GO.

do I still love her, YES! Of course!

but whats the point of caging a bird who so wishes so much to fly away? How would you feel if only after ten years of relationship that you finally find out that you've only been an uptight loser who is en-caging your partner?

yup, you're most absolutely correct that chances are, if you let her go free, she wouldn't come back.

but hey man, take this from me, if she wouldn't come back, it ain't fair that you are giving up so much for her now anyway.

要走的总是会走
if its gonna go away anyway, better that it fucking leave u now then end up torturing you a hundredfold in the future isnt it.

you're gonna be a damn fool if you don’t believe this, but its your choice ultimately, u know

it's just so fucking simple and obvious and im saying it because I don’t want anyone to fucking get fucked up again because of people who are fucking not worthy of love.

take good care of yourselves friends.

adios.

Dear God, please give me friends

2007-10-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

is there someone you really admire, but never let know before?
or care which you really wanted to show, but thought better (or not) of it?
an inclination to know someone better, but rather keep yourself strong and beheld (and alone)?
and prolong the feeling till it is gone?

well, it is not gone.
imagine the feeling is a golden substance, which can shower bliss upon your life if you act upon it.
by putting it off so much, it has simply became a yellowish stain on your life.

communication skills, wacky intelligence, dating strategies may be charming i know. but ultimately it's feelings that make us who we are.

take for example there's this prince charming who's all-so, well, charming and shit. you're so damn attracted to him.
Or a girl who says the sweetest things,

all u'll ever get from these are an empty bond and diabetes.

how about an average friend, whom has neither look fabulous nor speaks well nor is "hip" (fuck hip) nor is any of those lousy cliche qualities which every single guy or girl BLINDLY and WEAKLY fall for.
freaking hell these qualities make everyone zombies.

people would crash each others' heart and feeling because they have been made zombies by the qualities.
if ur one of these people i have a word for u.

WEAK.

i hate this world, damnit.
i feel that im alone.
i wish i'll find someone who understands me soon.

Please, God, give me friends.

a bad advice for a even worse world.

2007-10-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

traditional love would mean that we become vulnerable, and tear down all our defenses in order to truly love someone.

i think im very close to saying "BULLSHIT" to that.

i beg to differ as personally, i feel that now is the era of every man for himself. now is the era is where if u are not out to kill for your own benefit, you'll end up dead urself.

therefore.. even if you do not wish to kill, always be on the defense.

therefore, i hereby wish to encourage all my dear friends to always protect yourselves.

don't be too hasty to give away too much of yourself to anyone!

sounds like bad advice from a mentally ill person, but hey i had to learn it the hard way and im still learning it even now!

its may be stupid advice, but it'll happen anyway!

of course ultimately there will be no more love if noone takes the initiative to be self sacrificing, but you can always love while being on your guard yeah?

let the target slowly earn your trust and love while you slowly earn his/her too.

a bad advice for a even worse world.

apologies for being so pessimistic

:]

2007-10-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

haven't been blogging like since dunnoe when.

IPP has proven itself to out-do the torture the TEP is able to put on us students. bravo.

but neways.. we're all gonna graduate soon! yah, my gpa stinks but freaking three years have slipped us and we're all gonna become diploma holders!

can't imagine myself working in a shitty office like this in adulthood though.. yup, even if potentially earning around 2k a month.. it just doesnt seem that attractive overall.

all in a blink, i have been with my dear for almost 8 months! gosh. it all went by so quickly. and so quickly even though we see each other nearly every second!..

its just so much fun being with my dear.

the secrets that only the two of us share,

and all the ups and down we go through..

though i can't say for sure when and how will these end, but its a gamble im beginning to want to take. i guess love is always a gamble bah :] no pain no gain..

can girls be trusted? can guys be trusted? i guess the truth is humans all cant be trusted. im always stressing abt how dogs can be mush more humane then humans.

but its true! humans can never be trusted.

however.. love can be trusted, kinship can be trusted. just.. not humans.

i was trying to avoid it, but turned out i've started typing un-understandable stuff again.. boss come back le.. work work!

and all the best for IPP to u guys!

CSC.. too free

2007-04-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

okay okay. WTF is happening.

WASNT IT SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET.

WTF IS HAPPENING.

lol. i'll try harder, promise.

i just dunnoe wtf is happening.

like wtf is happening.

ehhh?.. wtf is happening.

and i drew a strawberry cone.

here it is!

yay!

to dearie

2007-03-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

i guess i know how it feels.

after going through so much pain,

what does it take,

for someone to deliver so much joy.

to smile in one's own pain,

to squeeze out so much love,

from your tired soul.

i'd like you to know,

ur just too special,

just too precious.

just like u to know..

i felt every bit of the love

and every one of ur sacrifices

and they're greater than anything i've ever felt

as much as i can't imagine myself without you now,

please know that

i'll support you in whatever u do.

though i can never repay the so much u have given to me,

i promise that i'll stick around.

i love u so much!
can't wait to have dinner with u later :]

the inqusitive penguin

2007-03-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

(a not so long not so short story i wrote and illustrated in my free time in csc)

there was once a penguin. he, was unique from all e cute little toddling freak-of-a-flood of penguins at e south pole.

out of the thousands, he was special.

he dreams.

weird, fantastical dreams he had., of strange blinding comets roaring across the heavens.

his own mind bizarres himself, makes him wonder, makes him think.

he thinks of not his next meal, not fucking e hot sexy female penguins, definitely not masturbating either.

he questioned about e universe, about the entity called life, about the world's unsolved.

gibby, the little penguin often looks up at his papa, and wonders, "why is papa so tall?"

why do penguins grow up?

do we grow to simply die?

do we grow just to attain more dominance in a pack?

do we grow to stain ourselves with the sins of adulthood?

or to burden ourselves with e responsibilities of life and following that to still die?

gibby wondered, but penguin language can never converse such profound thinking.

gibby never stopped pondering.

one of his favourite spots was at e beach, or rather, just the edge of the icy grounds.

he would look out at the never ending waters, wondering how large the world is exactly.

but this question never bothered him for long.

instead, he felt that the magnitude of the world wasn't meant to be brooded about.

its not what exists that matters,

its where one wanna go that does.

he was happy where he was, and he felt what mattered is how he make the best out of his own environment.

wads foreign can stay foreign for all he cares,

he knew the meaning of treasuring.

gibby's innate animal instinct warned him that he'd die if he left the cold waters,

and therefore he knew well to stay in the cool region.

however, it seems that whenever we void ourselves from the world, the world tends to knock on our doors.

just when it seemed like he would live his whole life with penguins, gibby found a new friend!

it was leo, the sealion. (pardon me for the un-innovative name)

leo, who could wander further out into sea told gibby about the beauty of the seas.

leo told tales of rainbow coloured schools of fishes, consuming beauties of corals, as well as fishes wrapped in funny rock hard shells.

but these wasnt all they talked about, leo also told gibby about the dangers that were constantly roaming about the waters.

how his parents and brothers all became killer whale feed.

gibby felt the warmth of a hot tear rolling down his frosty cheek, but leo told him off.

leo taught gibby an important lesson that day

what doesn't break you only makes u stronger. ( winkx)

before long, leo disappeared from gibby's life.

leo is missed, but gibby knows his tough hunk of a friend would never be defeated by life.

he knew that leo would be tougher in heart than a killer whale even if he was in his predator's guts.

but somehow he just cannot shake off the fact that the he misses leo.

he would constantly gaze up at the sky and think of his dear pal.

and then an amazing gaze caught his eyes.

flying penguins!!

what a marveling sight!

he then flapped his hard slippery fin-like wings in a pathetic attempt to fly.

after a unimaginably saddening hour, gibby has slapped himself pink and still not left the ground for more than a second.

he was jealous.

he was fuming! what was wrong with him!

why can't he fly like those penguins soaring through the skies!

and then he finally realized.. though its just a assumption, but he believed in it thoroughly and he knew that it was enough.

he might be jealous of those penguins abilities, but there was one fact he had missed out. there were no fishes in the sky!

what the point of hurting himself just to attain something that didn't matter at all!

he realised that temptation, seduction and jealousy will only cause us pain

and only to find out in the end that all the pain was worth nothing at all.

he concluded that

not just sometimes, but for every single moment,

it is important to make out what exactly is important and necessary to us before we actually head out to do something and end up hurting ourselves for the dumbest reasons.

over the years, our dear little gibby has grown into a big strong penguin.

he has developed his own thinking and has turned into a lonely isolated penguin of solitude.

he has decided that life no longer hold any meaning.

maybe he was even suicidal.

and when everything was bleak and life was turning into a grieving blur, something caught his eyes.

not just any something,

but an alluring, enchanting, nerve-tingling, heart-stopping, soul-stealing beauty.

she was just there, quiet, peaceful, graceful, tranquil, serene.

gibby could go on finding words to describe her but nothing seemed to match up with the aura that realmed around her.

he was in love.

gibby summoned up all the courage there was in his cold penguin heart but still only dared to admire her beauty from afar.

and the one fine day, their eyes met..

it was love at first sight.

it took no introduction, no horny penguin wobbling and petting, no bullshit.

it just seemed so meant-to-be, so pure.

despite gibby's mountain of whys and nots, this emotion, love has managed to consume and conquered him.

and before he could even be surprised, gibby junior was born.

as gibby stood there with his son at his big white belly asking him "papa, why are you so tall?"

he thought back of his entire life, and realized that although he held no explanation for love.

it is this same sweet ol' feeling that really makes life all worthwhile.

(last) words of a suicidalist

2007-03-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

hmm.. hehe.

hmm... (sometimes) i feel that life is like a vase.

people are like vases.

people are vases..

some vases are pretty,

some vases are not.

some vases have smooth surfaces,

some rough and clayish.

some flawless,

some cracked.

some curvy,

some blockish.

u probably already guessed that i'll say this, but if u have, u'll probably know that i have to say it anyway

vases are used to contain flowers.

some flowers are elegant,

some flowers are glaring.

some the center of attraction,

some the supporting cast.

some blooming with life,

some withering in the gloomy grasp of death.

i'll assume that vases do not put flowers in themselves.

as life goes on,

people leave flowers in us vases,

make us beautiful,

make us whole,

make us worth existing.

some vases are fucking filled with a fucking array of breath taking flowers.

some vases are fucking good looking even without flowers

some vases have been containing the same fucking withered flowers for years but is still standing strong

some vases have been abandoned, wrapped up and kept in a store

are u one of these?

are u one of those vases that are ugly and plain and left on a shelf,

or a failure piece of art by a fucktard in laselle,

how about a piece of thrashed vase waiting to turn ash,

or dropped, shattered and hopes long dashed.

dont complain about life, dont complain about life. fuck this.

NO, im not saying it for myself, im saying it in concern for all my fellow suicidalists.

when are people allowed to complain about life?

when am i allowed to complain about life?

when will someone wanna hear me complain about my life.

NO. im not saying i wanna complain now,

im saying that me and my other fellow suicidalists mental damage has been multiplied by the dis-acceptance and the closure around us.

NO, im not saying we (or i) need u people's care,

im giving u something to think about at my or other suicidalist's funeral,

when u look down at my or their cold pale faces, its something u can think about.

NO, im not telling anyone to try to stop me from killing myself or be concerned abt me,
(not that i assumed anyone would)

im just exercising my rights and filling my blog with my personal share of mind

too tired to type le..

tata

NOW

2007-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

ITS LOVE!

mich ur so damn sweet!!

when i was cold, and down, cold and empty(literally) u appeared! with waffles!

omgomg.. speechless.

thanks :]

NOW

2007-02-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

dear God,
please give me friends.

FUCK LA.. i like have no fucking idea what the fuck is going on in my life now.

???

all these fucking life experiences, every single anticipation technique are like fucking playing my mind over and over again.

KNN man..

every one of my damned precaution technique is like fucking flying out of the window one by one, day by day.

im losing every precaution i have created, every shield, every firewall.

i swore never to let anyone take any part of my life away ever again, AND the swear still does stand when its not a part but my entire life!

god, i know you told me when i asked for a prediction, that i should jump into it if i felt i should. is this another one of those life lessons again? OMBG!!! nooo....

KNN..

all these mother fucking thoughts and emotions in my head are fucking screwing me up, screwing my life up. FUCK MAN..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck...

is this love? submitting, devoting, risking?

apologises to whoever is reading this, i need a public venting facility to compensate for not being allowed to scream out loud.

pre post

2007-02-12T04:20:00.000-08:00

stare into the mirror, good old menaced gaze.

quest evolved, game started, rules set, prize ablaze.

the deathknight lives, returns, and initiates the phase.

49 days, the cocoon stays.

while a dark hermetic metamorphosis takes place.

lunacy flourish, burst forth, fades away.

till the congregation starts again.

talk depth

2007-02-11T12:19:00.000-08:00

i was writing this as a testimonial for you when i realised it was getting a little too personal for friendster. and it doesnt sound like a testimonial at all.

u know,it puzzles me why i constantly feel that i do not know you at all.

why does it seem like there is a jungle behind your closed doors.

how is it that your eyes never betray you, that's something i really want to know.

why has nothing that suggests ur inner self ever leaked out before.

am i just thinking too much when i realise that u must have gone through something to have turned into who you are today?

in your eyes, i saw undoubtedly the most deadening warmth ever. like e entire Antarctica on blazing flames.

i know im mad and i always think too much, but i saw what i saw.

and i want to know, not out of my usual curiosity in life,

but cuz' i wouldnt miss the chance to acknowledge something like this and just let life go on like it would without tending to you.

it seems that we might have something in common, but we simply do not know exactly what yet.

i really wish we would find out, someday.

adios for now, mich bestie.

thanks :]

Love. - Flora

2007-02-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

Aight, i really want to get back on my Love series posts.

too much is happening in my life now, but i have to admit that it has given me inspiration and new meanings to my thinkings.

i've always mentioned that Love is an unbreakable, divine entity.

now, it seems that i have underwent a revolution.

its true, we all have this faint, staple kinky idea that Love is supposed to last forever.

last forever?.. if we really loved someone, it would be forever?

noo dnt get the wrong idea, that this is wrong. its really not. ( i think ) but its definitely not as simple as it seems.

LOVE, is not a COMMITMENT. (marriage is, not love)

you know, as much as that sounds fucking wrong to me, im going to go ahead and explain it.

Love is a sensation, a free flowing energy that consumes our spirit, soul and body in the form of a holy, honeyed embrace.

okay.. we all know what a holy, honeyed embrace kinda means..

but free-flowing?

personally, i do not think it sounds off, at all.

IN FACT, it sounds more appealing than freaking COMMITMENT.

assuming u read my outrageously long posts, michelle, i wish to answer your question in context to this post.

i loved u yesterday,

i love u right now,

i'm quite sure i'll still love u tomorrow,

and i know i want to love u forever, ( and boy do i love the word forever )

its not as if im committed to do so,

but its that i want to.

every single moment the same thought enters my mind, and im required to make a flash of a mental decision,

i know i'd still want to,

and probably, ten years later, i might or would still want to.

we'll all be freaking sick of this bloody routine if it was a COMMITMENT. dont u think?

but the good news is, its not!

Love, is a constant renewal of choice, and based on how much two truly loves each other, we see how long a relationship lasts.

HOWEVER, (darn, i was hoping there wouldnt be a however this time..)
not just 'many a time', but almost 'every single time' we're in control of one and only one settlement,

which is our own individual 'free will' (i cant believe im using this term)

we would love someone on and on and on, but thats about all we have to offer,

and that will be all we can confirm and perceive of the future.

so.. i guess that my point for this post is,

let us not fear love, because it makes us emotionally vulnerable, when especially now, if we have realised that love is not a commitment.

NEVER, love with expectations.

it could last forever, really.

or, a second, a day, months, years or decades, u know.

just do not be surprised if perhaps, even if for no reason at all, love leaves u.

leaves u hurt, devastated, cold and alone.

cuz' thats just how love is.

and we do not love with expectations remember?

either way, i would be simply really glad that i have been granted the opportunity to love,

and even more so, if i get loved back for that moment, not matter how long or short it was.

and mind, im saying this on a sad note.

sad, but blissful.

adios, lovers.

so glad i found u

2007-02-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

haha, it sounded so dramatic, i just had to illustrate it.

so glad i found u lol

adios!

manga mania

2007-02-05T08:24:00.000-08:00

hmm!

recently am trying to experiement between styles.. trying to imbue a little marvel into manga..

alright, i know im not the best artist in the world, but here's the result anw :]

basically.. its just more shady and more black areas..

really hope that my drawing will experience a break-through soon!

meanwhile, gotta focus on my target and not look back.

yup, im going to become a manga artist no matter whether anyone likes it or not.

watch out for me !

adios~

to bestie

2007-02-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

why do i need to care about what people think my motives of this post are.

i dont, wouldnt, definitely shouldnt and simply refuse to.

why am i afraid that im taking this too seriously

is it because i might simply play the part of a fool at the end of this?

what do i need to say to let u know that what u said in ur blog is exactly what i felt for many people, including urself.

what do i need to do for someone to believe that i'll do anything for them.

how would u know that im speaking the truth right now.

why do i feel that im talking about something that noone cares about.

why would i still blog about this when i know for a fact that things like this will only freak people out.

why do i protray my real feelings on an unappropriate place like a blog when i've only known u for a few days.

these are all questions, but trust me on this: in life, the answers are but the right questions.

why?

u get to answer them.

believe it or not, i've grown alot just by seeing the things u do.

people named you bitch, bimbo, slut, flirt, cheap, dirty?

who dare say they care more about, DAMNIT, everyone (and thats including them!) than u do?

how many people can execute a flawless, intelligent, and yet fun presentation like u did?

do they have the guts to speak and act up the way u do?

or even admit that you are really beautiful?

i ought to slap myself for thinking that people might actually think badly of me at all because of this post when i shouldnt even be bothered at all.

i've only talked to u on 2 occasions, but i really admire u for all ur qualities and am pissed at all the unjust comments that were past onto you.

of course it could all be a joke and im just the same old lunatic taking things too seriously, but i've said my share and i'll stand firm on it no matter the outcome.

i care for u, and ur bf too. though im pretty sure there's nothing too great for my two fellow pisceans to handle.

and before i forget.. thank you for being such a friend :]

(takes a deep breathe..)
adios.

17

2007-02-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

this is post no.17

im not very keen on the number 17, no offense to 17 and the next thing im going to blog on is rather important. and i love number 18. so.. sorry for wasting ur time to read this.

disturbed

2007-02-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

aight..

i find that i've quickly accustomed to being a normal healthy happy(eeks) human.

thats the freaking problem when people neglect the fact that quiet people can be lunatics in disguise.

i know lunatics cannot have a knowing conscious mind.. but thats another whole new story.

haha and the final draft of my newest project is out!

this time.. its not just a simple star. its symbolic and even interpretable to some extend.
(gonna scan and post it up soon)

i've made a friend promise to beat the hell out of me if he ever sees me doing this shit ever again.. i was hoping that it'd be a barrier. right now, it just seems like a free gift, a reward for my wrong doings.

what can i say, some flirt, many despise and even more dont even understand the meaning of life and drats i dont think i do too.

to all my friends and take note, "friend" is no simple lousy piece of english, to me the word FRIEND is on par with words like "LOVE" and even "GOD" and has been severely diminished by the fickle-mindedness and insincerity of people, (to all my friends) im sorry. if i will ever behave in any retarded manner, please forgive me. i talk alot about love but trust me i do not effing deserve any.

i've started drawing my new comic too! its called "Hell_Lord", which's "阎王" in english. hope to be able to at least finish a first book of at least 5 chapter this time and pay to get it privately printed in a book! hope to be able to show it to u all soon :]]

im sorry im such a disappointment but i really love u people who's made me feel so special.

i bet u dnt even know who u are though.

adios, lovers!
and happy 8minutes advanced birthday to ms huangrong(tt'll 4ever be ur name to me lol)

mui

2007-01-22T03:16:00.000-08:00

hi..

i do think its 'untypical' of me to blog about myself..

something weird is happening to me..

but heck it, im going to blog about ME.

MEeeee

got this from ashley. its really fun to do and find out, try it yeah lol.

my entire home was renovated recently.. and now i can finally stop sleeping in a sleeping bag in my own home. phews :/

my comics finally have a new and proper home

bought this lamp for my room during christmas! for a discounted price of 25, totally loving it.

for those who hasnt seen it yet.. my freshly painted lappy. it was a crazy experience taking such a big risk with my beloved lappy.

gonna stop here, i feel weird doing this.

adios!:]

EMRS

2007-01-20T00:34:00.001-08:00

my EMRS stay is coming to an end..

it has never been a surprise that im sick, disturbed and a quickly dying man.

the EMRS period brought loads of warmth to me.

discovered that im always looking forward to going to school, just to see the ever so cheerful people there, like Cindy! she's amazing.

this warmth is going to scar me for life. u guys know the feeling of bathing in warm water when ur really cold? it burns, so much.

on the topic of pain, im stuck to my chair in front of the com. had too much of a drink at the boat quay. all i could remember was i toppled over a table and climbed up a lamp post outside the pub.

and it wasnt enough, went down to meridian for more drinks. i think i was freaking tripping all over myself.. then when we were leaving, i started climbing any climbable fixtures.

i got up this elevated railing and sat on it as though i was trying to hump it and the next thing i knew i fell down about 2 metres to B1. i didnt thought it was a big deal until someone noticed i was bleeding all over the floor.

must have slammed onto something on the way down ~_~

right.. how dumb is that.

nothing too bad about a little bleeding.. but my leg hurt so much this morning and the injured portion on my shin bone swelled to about the size of a ping pong ball that i decided that i should consult a doctor, whatever the use for.

and.. lucky i didnt break my shin bone, it's just banged and cracked.

all these years of drinking milk did pay off.

received 3 jabs and stitching. think the doc's anastaltic concoction has expired.. damn i felt every single shit during the stitching and was wincing like some fiddled sissy. sad.

another darned point to point out is that i paid a hundred bucks for the entire treatment. together with all the drinking, im officially broke.

and there was so much i wanted to buy.

but i cannot even walk now.. no diff i guess, if its of any comforting value

however, the night was worth all, got to meet someone, even though i know this feeling is not shared.

just hope that i can get to school on monday.. that'd brighten up my day.

tata.

editor

2007-01-20T00:34:00.000-08:00

LIFE.. IS GOOD.

new yr :]]]]]]

2007-01-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

ahh a new yr. there's alwaes this magical feeling of starting afresh and maturation at the start although everything is pretty much the f-g same ~_~

what i've learnt in 2006.

first. i've learnt that its alright to be happy and do as we feel right! sounds simple enough but it sure has made me a new person :] i've learnt that the most beautiful and delliciiousss way life can be served is with a big wide charming smile and blindingly bright attitude. ahhh think my fingers are going to get diabetes.

i've also better learnt the meaning of love. loving someone isnt tough or tiring at all! if u feel this waee, there're probably some areas that require amendments. 'cause its true when u really love someone, u dnt even nid the person to love u back for u to be happy.

the girl i love is meeting up with her ex guy pals and talking abt how much gladness she is in and surprisingly it doesnt hurt me at all. instead i feel really glad for her. this feeling is great :] im overly happy just to be able to see her lovely smile and hold little chats with her in the school corridors . CHEESY.. whatever, haha.

gonna work harder to be a good man in this new yr. no more will childish and insensible things be commited by me. will try, at least. bleah, lol.

before this side of my split character wears off. i would love to say that life is beautiful and we should all learn to be nice and be cool about things.

adios!

Love. - Equa

2006-10-29T08:07:00.001-08:00

hie..

have u guys every felt unglamorous?

like get smacked really hard in the face when u do a reality check on urself compared to your fantasical dreams?
waiting for Prince Charming, waiting for Pamela Anderson?

ever read the blog of someone whom u fancy, going on about her childhood memories with someone else and finally realise in cold hard stony facts that u are nothing more than just a spackle of memory comsumption to his/her brain?

ever get ditched after the first day of a really sweet relationship just because her/his dream lover just decided to drop him/her a confession?

i wish to communicate this, to myself and whoever is reading this, that

Love needs to be worked for.

sweet remembrances need to be created, bonds require forging and affections need to be constantly developing.

dnt be like me, sitting here and remblin' on and on about what i do not share with the one i love,.. when i myself have not gone out there and make the effort to show how much She means to me, whatever reasons i might have. :(

do not love someone and not work for it because
'oh it might not work out'
'i dont want to get hurt again'
'i am not good enough'(bleah)
'she would die than fall for me'
OR WHAT SO EVER!

these are all incredibly invalid, unsound and downright unholy excuses man.

Love does not involve excuses.

those excuses only mean one thing, that u probably not love the person enough, or that ur simply someone who does not possess the ability to love someone. and thats really sad.

the only exception is those like spiderman's case. always feel like crying when he is not able to accept M.J. for her safety. go spidey! :O

soo anyway.. my dear friends, do not be too hasty to give up ur love for someone. in the midst of this working for love, just keep one important thing in mind yeah,

Love is a counter balanced equilibrium and non appreciative beings do not deserve Love.

so please take care of urself in the process, DO NOT be used! :///////////

pardon my self created words, rembling is sumth like droning on and on.. if droning is even a word at all

adios!

Steve Irwin 1962-2006

2006-09-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

this post is dedicated to Mr Steve Irwin, better known as the 'crocodile hunter'.

probably and in my heart, IS the greatest environmentalist ever to walk this planet. more than just some radical man people see on the screen, he has unknowningly became my friend and someone whom i feel affected to. losing him is indeed a great lost to the planet, both to animals and plants as to even humans. amongst this lousy world filled with so much shit, a great great man like Steve Irwin comes up with such vibrant and pure spirit, more than just to simply get a good pay and some fame, he has demonstrated to us his love for life, his love for nature and together with his fun loving character and exceedingly positive attitude and upright and strong principles, he is indeed a fantastic role model for all man and human to follow and learn from.

he has left us, but he will always in my heart. a great great man he is. God bless the great man.

please help pray for him and his family too.

i love you, mate

With Love, Nic.

Love. - Ditra

2006-08-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

hi..

as much as Love is perfect and pure sweetness. what we humans possess is actually called 'human love'

basically, Love given by humans, for humans.

the difference from this Love and the pure one is that human Love is offered within human limits and received with inadequate reciprocation.

a few things happened recently made me invested thoughts into this.

well, back to my usual theory, in a relationship, normally the push pull custom is applied. the push-pull theory states that if i would try to give someone something, it would not be right to take it as though im obliged to do so.

if someone gives u something, u can accept it gracefully and be appropriately appreciative, or have certain extends of resistance to accept or even turn down the gift, according to the full details of the situation.

whatever the thing is, u cant take the gift as if u deserve it, even if its someone returning u borrowed money, because that is really cheap and down grading.

right.

but to this is the more physical form of the theory but there is also its emotional counterpart.

getting to the main part of this post now, it is about the push pull custom within the Doings of Love.

Doings of Love is actually just the things that people do out of Love. but its is being termed because people commit themselves to it out of Love. soooo its like its not like their doing it to maintain a relationship or to just 'do the right thing', but its more like the eruption of actions flowing from their Love for someone. anyway i guess this is not that important.

recently, someone very dear to me told me that she might be suffering from a stroke, and it suddenly blasted me into a pool of thoughts.

i've always reminded myself that my hurtful thoughts are not to be thrown onto other people. Noone is supposed to help carry my burdens. (im just sad i didnt learn this earlier..) thanks a million to all my friends who have..

yah.. so this person told me abt her condition.. and a thought shot into my mind like a freaking torpedo, "why didnt u tell me that u werent feeling well all this while?!"

And the next thought came, "the push pull theory".

she has not allowed me to carry her burdens.

Under the push pull theory for doings of Love, it is stated that if u love someone, u wouldnt wanna load ur burdens on ur partner and ur partner would wish that u would tell him everything so that he can tend to u.

BUT DAMN IT, here is the tricky bit.

although the theory stands true, it would bring harm if it is fully applied. its like some of those important guidelines which cannot be fully fulfiled, like "do not eat junk food" (RIGHT!).

unlike the physical push pull, instead of something good offered, in this case, something bad is restrained. therefore, if the first person does his part, there will be no fulfilment in the responding part.

(if i dont tell my Love my problems, she cannot want to listen to it.)

this will hence cause a lop sided balance of pains and one party might break down and cause the relationship to collapse.

after so much, THEN WHAT? DAMNIT, THIS IS WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE ANYWAY ISNT IT?

yesss.. after thought, i still feel that Love would not lay one's troubles on another,

but it should be different from human love.

i mean, its not as if human love follows the other beauties (in earthly terms, commandments) of Love right, like Love should be condition-free, ever forgiving, pure truth, so on.

applying the rules of the perfect realm on an unperfect being turn out really ugly and produce very negative effects.

for an example,

in your heart, u want to carry all ur Love's trouble, but she wants u to carry nothing. both out of Love. well, great!

but if u actually carried all, you would complain and leave her. and u carried none, she would break down.

even if u have full awareness of the after effect of u fulfiling ur part of carrying all, it would mean that she is not fulfiling her part!

but u would wish that she dont fulfil her part because u love her! dont u!

its a never ending cycle, and this concludes that the theory cannot be practised in full.

the solution i've thought of is simple.

1. practise the theory to appropriate extends. if 10 is all and 1 is none, i'd think 6 is adequate, 7 is healthy, 8 premium, 9 visit the church less and 10 good luck.

2. assuming both parties are practising the proper amounts of the theory, both must be vigilant of each other. this will allow them to be observant of each other's emotions and can therefore allow them to inquire and hence learn more about each other, instead of just sitting somewhere waiting for the task to fall on oneself. this will then allow the fulfilment of both parties' parts. sweet.

3. when one party has noticed that the other party is carrying a stupendous load all by herself and it really shouldnt be the case, he must initiate and tell her that in similar situations, she must not keep the load all to herself, which hence passing a rule out of Love on her to prevent similar cases. in the case that she follows the rule and tells u her over loading burdens in an rightful loving manner, and u listen when gladness of her frankness and trufulness to the Love rule u passed over her, both parties have fulfiled their task under the push pull theory for doings of love.

the theory itself is beautiful and ur choice to practise.

this post is so long.. i'll end here.

alios!

Love. - Cira

2006-05-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

hi. ..

Love, is a simple thing.

well yeah we all know its a kind of mutual command, or commitment that someone adopts for another.

Love is not complicated, dear people.

the frequencies of Love gets disturbed only when satan's inpurities come into play.

it gets complicated by unnecessary earthly (and hellish) disturbances such as

distrust, deceit and distractions.

Well if you feel that im not making sense, allow me to elaborate further.

Love isnt complicated, yes yes yes yes yes and yes.

however that doesnt imply that Love isnt sophisticated know.

what am i trying to get at?

alryte. i shall explain myself.

Complicated-ness is the essense of entanglement, of perplexion and henceforth much more than often, problematic.

Sophisticated-ness on the other hand is the essense of depth, is intricate and for an example, sophisticated-ness is like a chic cush. (get it..?)

(so if you are facing lotsa unsolvable troubles in your relationship. it might be wise to get back to basics.
if two really Love each other, they wouldnt have Loved with expectations. then why let expectations break u apart?)

yeah well ur right too in saying that there're many other matters that are sophisticated too, such as loyalty and kindness.

however. to me, at least,

Love ,
creates the deepest and sweetest emotions and sensations that will ever be felt
and,

it is the deepest and most sophisticated entity all packed into the purest and most beautiful element in all space and time that has and ever will exist .

ending this article, Love is as simply sophisticated as

You and Your Love reclining on the finest pasture spring can offer in the mild ocean breeze, appreciating the blue of the sky and the calmness of the clouds.

God Bless.

Life

2006-05-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

hi..

do you cry a tear in silence

do a deed with pain

chose not to speak of it

but continue your ways

does love yearn response

does pain desire gain

will you be appreciated

get played by this game

is the world about skills

or a heart that is true

does truth need a spokesman

to harvest all u've grew

do we act to be seen

to get reciprocate

oh how have we missed

this is satan's great

say what you mean

do as you should

rebuke thoughts of repayment

the golden heart of truth

tata.

Love. - Beta

2006-05-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

hi.

well.. what does it mean to love someone.

love's tough business! (for u bastards, im not refering to u in any sense, NO THANKS)

u can live ur entire life not knowing who really loved u

its simple. ever love someone soo much but chose not to reveal ur feelings?

im sorry my friends, allow me to be the example.

i like this girl now.

she has her life.

she rocks.

everytime i see her smile,

everytime i feel her happiness.

it doesnt matter who she is with.

it doesnt matter if she's lovin someone else

it doesnt matter if she kisses someone in front of u

it doesnt matter if she hates you.

loathes u

feels ur simply nothing special

feels ur irksome

feels u will never fit in her life

its doesnt matter u see.

its about her smile.

but it seems

im simply not cut for the job.

love is not owning, but an affectionate package, wishing the best for someone.

im not an idol.. im not suave.

im just me.

self hating little whimpish psychotic bashed up loser.

To Love might be to not Love

yes i got no guts, whatever.

she deserves the best.

i will not destroy her opportunities.

Love. - Alpha

2006-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

err hi.

why do we even ask what is Love??

the question just doesnt make any sense to me

well, lets throw away the fact that Love is self defined.

lets talk abt universal Love. (for u bastards out there, universal Love is clean.)

guy likes girl, girl likes guy. THERE. Love!

okay. heys. lets just try to define Love first.

Love as a noun. its a process in nature, and..every process has a beginning and end.
therefore. the definition is:

Love is the only process in any form of existence that starts and doesnt end.

thats what Love is..? just that???Love is just a freaking endless process??

yesyesyes it is ' that' but its not 'JUST that'. that, im freakin sure of.

one day, everything shall fall and turn to dust.

in the midst of this natural destruction, its not the strongest metallic element that will ultimately survive, but the its the one single indestructible element, Love, that surely will prevail.

okay.. then what about the power of Love ???! and also where is the self sacrificing, the all giving, the conditionless and the other beauties and nobleness of Love!!?

yeah im talking to myself. but dont tell me that anyone is expecting Love to prevail on Nothing ?

yup only the power of Love can create this divine process. and please let me also not need to mention that that is one heck of a power!

face it guys (& ladies), Loving is a tough tough job.

getting back to my usual theory, when a couple splits, it only means that they have failed to Love.

and then the talk comes abt Love needing commitment, trust and even things like skills for romance and fun.

skills? what r u talking abt?! what?!! Love can be artificially create by intelligence???

that is one pretty a**-ed up theory man! who the hell actually came up with something as shameless as that!?

damnit its just simply freaking damn nonsense to me man, damn the damn theory.

i solemnly swear to God, even if swearing's a sin, that i shall never allow myself believe in such a saddening doctrine.. NEVER.

Love requires only one skill. i call it the

Ability to Love

just think abt it.

what, does Love, means, to you?

do u feel that u can actually Love?

FUCKING TRAP OF LIFE

2006-03-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

hi.

well. what kind of a person are you?

are u a soler? headstrong? shy? weak? strong? pathetic? outstander? an idol??

lets all just assume, we're all the same starting the moment the sperm enters the ovule.

our family, friends, even stranger, even the weather, the happenings around us shapes us into who we are. and of course, ourselves shape ourselves too. our looks, attitude, etc.

if u live in the same world as me.

people are fucking critical right.

if ur not cool, ur a dickhead.

if ur alwaes trying to please others PLUS ur not cool, ur a headless dick.

it takes basic environmental awareness to understand that though.

WHY MUST PEOPLE FUCKING GET RATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

fuck this damn world you all fucking assholes

oh fuck great ur so fucking cool and hot. u talk shit all the time and pple fucking digggg u. we uncool pple have feelings too know. fuck it man.

DONT FORGET THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU'RE COOL BECAUSE WE'RE NOT!!

YOU FEEL NO SHIT WHEN PPLE FUCK U OFF CAUSE U GOT TONS OF OTHERS DIGGGGING UR SHIT.

you wont ever know WHAT it really FEELS LIKE TO BE DITCHED AND HAVE NOTHING TO FALL BACK AGAINST...

we dont even desire to fit in. we just wan to move abt the crust of the earth without getting negative comments from anyone..

we're probably the most harmless pple on earth but FUCK we lack character. U WAN CHARACTER??

WHY DONT I KILL MYSELF AND REINCARNATE TO ALLOW THE FUCKING WORLD TO SHAPE ME AGAIN?

stop it man, stop it.

DAMN U FUCKING FAGS.

I HATE Y'ALL

finally, i know ur saying that its our fault we're so pathetic, let u in on a little something. WHY DO U THINK WE'RE SO ANGRY INSIDE? CAUSE WE'RE FUCKING PATHETIC AND

WE KNOW.

love.. ?

2005-02-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

let me start off this article with a big sigh.

ok....

there was this guy who used to be just a fat kid in school.

when he was promoted to high school, he mixed with new friends and learnt new things and then he was at least 'known'.

his friends cracked jokes and played about everyday. he was almost influenced. but somehow he decided to keep alone.

this is not the life i want.. he tells himself.

he wasn't exposed too much to the world outside though.

time passed and he was soon in upper secondary. there were gangsters and cool people who hangs around town so often in his class. He saw that they were happy. they were respected and admired by many.

i wouldn't mind having respect.. he told himself.

one day, one of the rowdy people told him about things that goes on in a pub.

yah la... mix this and that and this and that.....

they force each other to drink lor.......

everyone was drunk....

the guys dragged the girls somewhere for a good fuck...

he was shocked. he felt his heart tearing..

he knows. it is so easy for guys to sweet talk to girls. it's even better when they sweet talk and masturbate at the same time. they just have to spend a few simple fees buying some lovey presents. and there the girl was his. the guy brings the girl over to his house for some intimate time and when his feelings fades, he finds some lame ass excuse like 'i really love you alot, but my dad forbids a relationship and my mum is quarreling with him everyday. i really have to let you go.. im so sad...'

of course the girl's body has been so 'evily' caressed by the guy. and she'll never know, that the guy's parents have no objections whatsoever. and of course the guy was more than happy to be free to find another hot body to caress.

some of the guys are not purposely out to cheat girls. they're just SO FUCKING DUMB that they dont even know what they're doing.

for all guys out there. when u lay ur hands on a girl, ur responsible for her for life. you have to love her and care for her and protect her all her life, with YOUR LIFE.

anyway back to the story...

he swore. he wants to make a difference. he wanted to be someone who can turn the situation around. even if he's the only one, he would try his best to revive love.

but..

he knows that humanity is at its lowest.

for everyone out there. please! im begging you. dont love if ur love is not true, stop abusing people. help revive true love.

i am a loner.

2005-01-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

Loner: A person who likes to do things on his own without other people

yah. a loner likes to be alone. that doesn't mean he's happy being alone alryte. a loner is a normal person.. just that he's not normal..?

im not trying to be funny cause what exactly is the meaning of normal?

"conventional humans are frivalous with emotions"

IF thats normal. do you want to be normal?

well, a loner keeps to himself. at least he doesn't cheat and play with other people's emotions right?

so what the fuck exactly is so fucking great about being so fucking sociable when noone means anything at all?

being a loner is not the way of life. its an escape from it.

its not that i dont fancy knowing more people. its that i cant do anything about the shit up state of it.

being a loner is not the way of life. its MY way of life.

if only im needed. then i might be able to do something about it.

im not encouraging anyone to become a loner. loners are good at one thing. courting their own death. trust me noone can live alone for too long unless the fella's mad. otherwise he'll go mad anyway.

checkers

2004-10-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

haha was just having this idea. u know the english checkers, also known as 'dumb'? those who play it well will know that one wrong move will mean that u lose the entire game.

is life like that too? i mean we all have been making so many mistakes ryte. dont mind me cuz im just blabbering my thoughts here.

life cant be like checkers can it.. cause the chessboard is perfect while the world is so so not.

another idea is that actualli the world is like 'checkers'. its just that as we're playing lotsa wrong moves but our opponent's playing lotsa them too there being the reason why we're not beaten with just one wrong move. and oh yah in checkers we always wanna get the king right haha. sort of symbolises the thirst for power. after that the king checkers will be flying all across the board, trying to scheme and trick the opponents' checkers into a deadend. the one with more checkers will have the ability to entrap the opponent and vanquish them.

when we're only one little checker surrounded by many king checkers we fear, tremble and become so so helpless. the king checker jumps over the little one and the poor little thing gets removed from the board. the loser stands up, walks out of the room and joins his friend at mac's to study for his upcoming Os.

got that...? i meant to say like getting defeated in a game is not the last attempt in life(like, one game is just one game)

anyway somehow i choose to believe that no number of checkmates and deadends can defeat us n there'll always be another game to be won. dun let defeat defeat u! life may be a game but u get to play it many times. stay strong and work hard!! dont be complacent, keep ur warrior spirit up! chest out shields up swords up and start marching to victory!!